April 27, 2016


All jokes aside this topic has been one on my mind for some time. After this weekend I felt like I finally had some time and enough reflection to write about it. So, my younger brother just got engaged and I am so happy for him and it feels good to be happy for him but more importantly it feels great not to be sad for myself because I am not married, engaged, dating and very much single. It has taken awhile to get to this place to be honest.

I get it when people from home are checking in on me they want to know about my entire life here in England, including the men. Trust me fam, if there was someone you all would know (probably on Snapchat). It bugs me when people ask me about my relationship status because I always feel like I have to come up with these elaborate excuses as to why I am single, why I am not dating, why boys don't like me. For some odd reason simply saying "BECAUSE I AM DOING ME" isn't enough. Yes, I am doing me but more importantly, and what I've been unable to say for years is that I  DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. I don't know what it has been about being in the UK specifically but I can also for the first time say that I enjoy being single. It's fun because I get to spend a lot of time doing whatever I want to do. I am just here trying to get this degree and relaunch a career in a brand new industry oh and travel the world. I am not also looking for a mate but I am very okay with that.

I cannot tell you how many times the phrase "okay she is winning" has come out of my mouth when a friend has gotten engaged; even when she is about to marry trash. Recently,  I caught myself and really asked myself why I thought that my friends' engagements are something to be won. Marriage has this weird end game status in our society, that it is our peak achievement, the ultimate win as women regardless of what we achieve in other places in our lives. It can feel like if you are not even on track to meeting that then you are failing. Some times it feels like my completion as a woman is tied to some imaginary man, I don't like that. I am not saying that marriage isn't a beautiful thing because it is, when done right, but just like a high waisted palazzo pant, it isn't for everyone. 

One of the best pieces of advice that my mother gave me was stay focused on one thing at a time.
I think as women we get trapped into trying to do, and be it all. Good women, good mothers, suitable prospects, and bosses in the work place. However, the truth is, if we are trying to do all of those things at once it means we are not doing any of them very well. Men do not seem to approach life that way, I wonder why that is. You have to prioritize what is most important to you at the time and right now what is most important to me is finding a job that I love that fulfills me. I feel like as a woman I can't say I choose my work over love because I will be shunned. Maybe that is tied to some evolutionary need to have kids before your eggs dry up but since motherhood isn't something I want than I don't need to make a mad dash down the matrimonial aisle.

Another piece of solid wisdom that my mother gave me was not to settle in love, "if it isn't right do not force it because you are scared to be alone" those few words freed me from this feeling of inadequacy and to be a frank, a want for a boyfriend. I understand why we seek companionship it is part of what makes us human but I just don't think a relationship is even on the outskirts of what I find most valuable. 

Some day this may all change, who knows and someone that I have deemed to be right will be granted access but I am not wishing, hoping and praying for him because to do so would remove focus from my current end game. In the words of Beyonce:

"She's stacking money money, everywhere she goes
You know, pesos out of Mexico
She got the mula, commas and them decimals
She don't gotta give it up cause she professional"
That's my win.

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